The Golden Apple

The Golden Apple, often used as a symbol for Eris, Erisians, Discordians, the Discordian Church, and the Podge, comes from the myth of the origin of the Trojan War.

Our Lady Eris had a pretty bad rep amongst the Ancient Greeks because they didn't understand that Chaos is neither good nor evil, but both and neither (darn that Socrates - Phaedrus was right about him. Windbag.) The Gods and Goddesses had a party for the marriage of Peleus and Thetis, respectively a king of someplace and a nymph of someplace. Everybody was invited except - you guessed it - Eris the Goddess of Confusion. (If you think this is starting to sound like the story of Sleeping Beauty, you have a keen eye for copyright infringement.)

Eris, Who can be really touchy (just kidding!) decided to deal with this Original Snub using what one eminent mythologist has called "One of the really perfect revenges." She made a beautiful Golden Apple and inscribed upon it "Kallisti," although She did it in Greek (see above.) This translates to "For the Prettiest One." She then rolled it into the party while it was in full swing.

Well, there were some pretty heavy hitters in the pretty department at this party. Namely, Hera, Queen of the Gods, Athena, the Goddess of Wisdom, and Aphrodite, the Goddess of Love. They immediately started arguing about who should get the Golden Apple, causing... wait for it... Discord. So our Lady was present at the party despite the Original Snub. Satisfied, She went off and joyously partook of a hot dog. (They hadn't been invented yet, but time means little to Gods and Goddesses, including and especially Eris.)

Meanwhile, the wrangling Goddesses went and found some lunkhead named Paris to judge who should get the Apple. Demonstrating a real lack of self-confidence in the pretty department, which makes no sense, they all three being immortal inhumanly beautiful Goddesses, and shows the influence of Eris was still in play, each went to him before the judging and offered him a bribe. Hera offered riches and power, Athena offered victories in war, and Aphrodite offered the most beautiful woman on Earth. Okay, one guess which the moron picked. You got it - the woman. Never mind the fact that had he accepted either of the other two bribes, he could have had all the women he wanted. If only people would just think before they made wishes, we'd all be a lot happier, I mean really...

*slap*

Sorry. I'll get on with it.

So anyway, Paris picked Aphrodite and she arranged to have Helen, the Queen of Troy and Most Beautiful Woman on Earth, Whose Face Launched Many Capital Letters, delivered to Paris in a lovely gift box. The Trojans, who were likewise sort of touchy, wanted their queen back, and the Greeks told them to buzz off. This was the beginning of the First War Among Men, which we now know as the Trojan War.

The lesson here is that no matter what you do, even if you're a God or Goddess, you can't avoid chaos in social situations, and if you try, you will simply find that instead of coming in the front door in a civil fashion, as it does when invited, it comes down the chimney and gets ashes all over the floor. So give to Eris what is Her due, and don't take any wooden horses.

A Postscript:

A lot of people claim that this story, if true (*cough*metaphor*cough*) demonstrates that Our Lady is of a malicious turn of mind. This is, to be polite, ridiculous idiocy. (Just kidding, mostly.) Eris didn't do anything. She responded to a slight in a very creative way, and let the other Gods and Goddesses do it to Themselves. Granted, She probably didn't mean to kill all those mortals - but you can't make somebody go off to war, and they all seemed pretty pleased to have the chance to die nobly, so who's to say it was bad, anyway?

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