On the Oneness of the Plurality of Religions

You're a Discordian whether you want to be or not. Whereas historically other religions usually follow a remark like that with "or had you rather meet Mr. Burning Stake?" we use a far more insidious weapon, the Blunted Sword, also known as Reason. If you've already got a religion, the Truth is that it is simply a sect of Discordianism. If you haven't got a religion, it means you don't know, and admitting that you haven't a clue as to why the Universe works the way it does is a tacit admission of the power of Eris. So no help there. We've got you.

Episkopos Aloysius Thudthwacker, Committer of HyperDiscordianism, has already explained why all religions are really sects of Discordianism better than I ever could unless I actually stood around and thought about it, and who's got time for that? However, he really doesn't go into detail on why Eris isn't more widely known, and why there are so many religions with such fanatical adherents all through history. Although the Principia mentions that one of the Orders of Discordia includes most men of religion, it likewise is sort o' silent on the matter save for implying that it's either Greyface's fault, or Spiro Agnew's.

Not to worry! (Not about this, anyway - last I checked there were plenty of other things to worry about.) There is a clear, simple, and logical explanation. To a Discordian, this means it's almost certainly the wrong answer, but I offer it for the greater glory of Eris and to provide some dull but sincere filler. Here it is:

Think about this. It actually makes perfect sense, and since the one thing that religions should not do is make perfect sense, we may be on to something. Eris is the Goddess of Confusion. There's nothing more confusing than sitting around trying to noodle out How The Shit Came Down. (This, by itself, is a strong indicator in Her favor.) Doing so leads, inevitably, to religion. Since no two people will come up with the same answer, various religions will emerge.

Now, Eris could just appear and let Herself be known as the One True Trickstress. But to do so would create certainty where before was Confusion, and She'd sooner eat a boxcarload of hot dogs without buns than go that route. She's going to do two things: maximize Confusion, and encourage Creativity, which are both pleasing in Her eyes.

If people with different religions interact, the sensible thing to do would be to see which religion is either the most logical or explains and predicts the behavior of the world the best. (Discordianism wins on both counts, but it is not widely known yet.) If some religions tended to be more true than others, the number of religions would decrease over time, reducing the amount of Creativity in creating and expanding new religions, and reducing the amount of Destruction in the, ah, overenthusiastic promotion of one's own religion.

Eris wouldn't like that. So, in much the same way that St. Gulik is both a roach, and all roaches, She is a Goddess, and all Gods and Goddesses. She manifests Herself as whatever the religion at hand believes the situation calls for. This is why all religions appear to be true to their adherents, and false to everyone else: their God or Goddess really has manifested to them at some point, and continues to do so in some ways. As the population has increased, the number of "direct" manifestations has had to go down - too many witnesses, or too much Divine intervention, and some religion might get too much of an upper hand and spoil Her game by winning it.

The heretical might observe that possibly She has been a little careless and let four or five main religions get most of the chips, where once there were hundreds. However, the enlightened will observe that a) only Eris knows what moves of the game please Eris, and b) those "main religions" are nothing of the kind - each contains sects and movements by the score, all of which fight like Kilkenny Cats unless opposed by an exterior foe. "Schism" is really a word introduced into the language by the Ancient Illuminated Seers of Bavaria as sort of an in-joke and its true translation is "Eris scores!" (Note that heresy is not even a recognized Discordian sin anyway.)

So take heart - whatever Being you believe in really is real, and when Eris has a moment, She'll hop into the appropriate costume and give you a rousing pep talk. There's no real danger of Her game ending anytime soon, though, so if you want to cut out the middleman and give Her some direct diggety, it would probably not hurt anything. And if you believe in a religion with an Afterlife, think about this.)

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